I’ve been trying to get back to the person I was “before”. I’m not quite sure I remember who she was was but I’m trying really hard to be her for everyone else. Sometimes I feel like everyday is Halloween and I’m wearing a mask or I’m an actress in a play and I’m playing a role. Laughing when I think I’m supposed to laugh. Making a joke when I think I’m supposed to be funny. Remembering to always be calm. Always be kind. Try not to cry. Try not to show my sadness. Sometimes I do feel like myself. Sometimes I do all of these things because I am genuinely happy.
My whole life feels like a Snapchat filter changing from day to day, masking my emotion from one distorted image to the next. One day I might feel like a rose crowned Queen who can conquer anything and the next I am one of those crazy distorted images that look like you’re peering into a fun house mirror. I saw a quote by Mansi that read “I keep looking for myself in everyone else I see”. I’m sure we have all felt that way at one time or another in our lives. I heard something interesting today: “Trauma either cracks your walls or puts another coat of paint on them”. Lately I feel like that wall in the old fixer upper house that is covered in layers of paint and wallpaper and lathe and plaster. I need to be torn down to the bones and restructured and rebuilt, but underneath I will always be a little dusty, a little broken, the original structure that started the story of the little house that could. Trauma has defined most of my life in one way or another, either because I was in it, I was avoiding it, or I was working through it. Right now I am both avoiding it and working through it, but I am working through the fact that I am working through it. I am working through it while wearing all of the Snapchat filters, and while peeling off all of the wallpaper layers. I am pretending to be okay until I am ok. I am in the role of a lifetime. One day when I look at others I will appreciate them for who they are, and not wish I was them. I will appreciate the work that I put in to becoming the person that I have become. I will break through the glass cage of emotions and be a brave part of the world that I have avoided for so long. Trauma will not define me forever, and I will figure out who I truly am because I am a survivor.
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AuthorSarcasm is as much my defense mechanism as it my truth. I am unabashedly honest, I live my life off-script and I make no apologies for my crass humor. So, sit back, grab a bottle (or two) of your favorite wine and settle in for a few good laughs, a little TMI and some unwanted life advice. You're welcome. Archives
April 2023
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