I tried to keep busy today because I I know sitting around won't help with my healing process. I did dishes and vacuumed the floor. I folded laundry and straightened up. Finally, I went for a walk to clear the voices in my head. I listened to an eclectic variety of songs ranging from Perry Sledge to Bruno Mars to Shinedown to Allen Stone to Chris Blue and ending with Incubus. Songs have a way of relating to my emotions and the things I can't find a way to express out loud sometimes. Especially lately, when I am experiencing anxiety attacks that I don't know how to control. I have never experienced them like this before so I am trying to find techniques that will help me get through them without taking me back to the dark place that led me to my "incident" again. Sometimes when my breathing gets labored, and the tears won't stop flowing, and my heart feels like it's in a vice that just keeps squeezing tighter and I can't breathe and the weight of the world feels like it's on my shoulders, my mind goes back to that "I just can't do this anymore" place that I never want to be in again. Oddly, on the last leg of my walk today, the Incubus song "Drive" came on and the lyrics almost stopped me dead in my tracks because the lyrics were so prophetic and beautiful and spoke to me in a way that my emotions haven't been able to express. Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear Take the wheel and steer It's driven me before And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal But lately I am beginning to find That I should be the one behind the wheel Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, I'll be there So if I decide to waiver my chance To be one of the hive Will I choose water over wine And hold my own and drive? It's driven me before And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around But lately I am beginning to find That when I drive myself my light is found So whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, I'll be there It made me really think about where this journey can take me if I just let go, and let allow myself to feel all of these feelings. My counselor said something that really made me think. I told her that I was more ashamed of the aftermath of what I had done and how it affected the people around me, than the attempt itself. She told me that sometimes it's ok to just focus on yourself and getting yourself better and know that the people that love you will still be there when you get better. I can't help but to feel responsible for how scared everyone feels right now. And how angry they are not knowing why I did what I did. And sometimes I feel like I am walking on glass. And it's on fire. And I have to get to the other side while holding the hearts and feelings of all of my loved ones balanced in my hands. Because, everyone wants to know why. And they deserve an explanation. But I can't even express that yet, because I haven't worked through all of it myself. So, I am stuck in this conundrum of wanting to be a little selfish and just focus on me, but also having so much love and regret for my actions that I want to reassure the people who support me. Remember the tree from my last post? It's still blowing. The leaves are still rustling. On my walk today, I saw a little bit of the clouds through that tree for the first time, and it looked like HOPE. As I was finishing this post, my sister sent this to me and it made me cry, but in a good way. I know in AA they have their mantra about being granted the serenity to accept the things they cannot change but for me my mantra is "One day at a time. One breath at a time. One foot in front of the other."
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AuthorSarcasm is as much my defense mechanism as it my truth. I am unabashedly honest, I live my life off-script and I make no apologies for my crass humor. So, sit back, grab a bottle (or two) of your favorite wine and settle in for a few good laughs, a little TMI and some unwanted life advice. You're welcome. Archives
April 2023
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