That's right....TGIF...F. Thank God It's FUCKING Friday. This has been the Monday-est week ever. And while I normally enjoy driving in the car and making people look by rocking out to the point that some people have probably dialed 9-1-1 thinking I was having a seizure, for some reason, today, which is supposed to be the work weeks equivalent of the Lord's day, people were interrupting my normal dance day flow. And I had so much road rage, that I interrupted my regularly scheduled a.m. dance party to tell the fucktards in front of me to "MOVE or I will shank you, find your family and burn their house down while they sleep you non-driving MOTHER FUCKER!", because I was a) under caffeinated and b) chose my Gym Playlist instead of my Chill Playlist which externalizes my inner beast. So, to the moron with the "My Child Made Honor Roll" bumper sticker I just want to say firstly, apparently your child is smarter than you and can probably drive better than you because you obviously can't read speed limit signs, and secondly, I apologize for trying to kill you before 9am and for all of the ways I have thought of killing you since, but I am caffeinated now and I have listened to Adele for over an hour, so the beast is once again internalized and I am once again a Zen Queen. Namaste (asshole).
I went to the grocery store yesterday to restock my endless obsession with vegetables, and when I got to the register I had purchased the following: *Brussel Sprouts *Broccoli *Cauliflower *Spinach *Carrots *Salad Mix *Baby Peppers *Sweet Potatoes *English Cucumbers *Tomatoes *Cantaloupe *Diet Pepsi (my one joy in life) *Almond milk *Peanut butter Total $123.62 What in the Farmer in the Dell's asshole is that all about? Jesus, Mary and the 12 disciples, I might as well quit my job and grow my own crops for the price of that shit. And I get the whole world saying "eating healthy is expensive and that is why I order off the McDonald's $2 menu" bullshit, but for fuck sake, how much did that cucumber seed cost you to plant and grow Farmer Joe? For $4.00 that cucumber better nourish me and pleasure me, ya know what I'm saying? Thank God I hardly eat meat because I would probably start farming livestock in my own backyard for the price of cluck and moo at this point. Old MacDonald better start growing cauliflower the size of my ass for the amount I had to pay. At least then I could get a few more meals out of it. Screw meal prepping at these prices, I am meal mathing.....how many meals can I safely get out of one head of cauliflower? Yeah, 12-14 sounds right. Anyone else? No, just me? OK then, moving on. I am at the point in my season depression where I feel like the ignored child in a custody dispute between spring and winter. No one really wants me but no one wants wants to cave and give in to the other either. I just want a season to decide. Are we going to be wearing layers a little longer, binge watching Netflix and drinking our body weight in coffee, or should I pretend that I am going to start working on my "summer body" and making plans that I probably have no intention of keeping. Lemme know which introverted life I should be preparing for here, Mother Nature. OK, end rant because I just noticed that when I came into work it was dry and sunny, and now it's cold and rainy and I am over it. I am going to inhale and exhale, get through the rest of my day without murder charges, and enjoy my weekend with family and repeat to myself that "orange is not my color. orange is NOT my color".
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AuthorSarcasm is as much my defense mechanism as it my truth. I am unabashedly honest, I live my life off-script and I make no apologies for my crass humor. So, sit back, grab a bottle (or two) of your favorite wine and settle in for a few good laughs, a little TMI and some unwanted life advice. You're welcome. Archives
April 2023
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